Stress lives in Maple Valley, and the onset of the holidays kicks it into high gear. What would Thanksgiving be without worrying whether the turkey is big enough? Or if there’s enough stuffing? Or potatoes? Or antacid?
As if worrying about food isn’t enough, there is always the possibility of uncomfortable situations. Every Maple Valley family has a strategy. “Just remember, kids, please don’t ask about Aunt Ruvina’s eyes. Just look at her left one, okay? And remember not to pull Uncle Mert’s finger.”
Some folks practice dodging. “If Grandma talks about bowels during dinner, what will we say?” “I was a skeleton for Halloween!” “I love gravy!!” “I bit my tongue!” three kids shout. “We learned about those at school, a-e-i-o-u!” seven-year-old Wendel hollers.
Maple Valley residents have help this year. Ohmer Bicks, editor, owner, photographer, and printer of the Maple Valley Spur, recently announced a new column in the newspaper called, “Dear Doctor”. Readers are invited to write in to Doctor Wackstuber, and he provides expert answers.
The response to “Dear Doctor” has been overwhelming. Ohmer wonders why he didn’t offer an advice column years ago. Fascinating questions flooded the Spur office in Ohmer Bicks’s garage.
“Dear Doctor, the holidays are coming and I’m struggling! I love Christmas! I don’t want to do anything but shop, wrap, bake, eat, decorate, listen to Hanz Lichstensmuz & His Merry Chorale albums, and drink eggnog. Can you help me? Signed, Holiday Worries”.
“Dear Worries, you’re not alone. Many people enjoy Lichstensmuz music and drink eggnog during the holidays. Remember what Christmas is really about.”
“Dear Doctor, my mother is coming to stay with us during the holidays. Please help!! Signed, Dreading the Visit”.
“Dear Dreading, keep your mother busy. When you’re fixing dinner, give her a job in the living room, basement, or the garage. Keep music playing loudly to avoid difficult conversations. Keep her up late watching Christmas movies so she doesn’t get up too early. If she tries to take over, make reservations for her at the Maple Valley Inn.”
“Dear Doctor, I hate the holidays! They remind me of my 6th grade Christmas program. I was walking across the stage when my pants fell down and so did I. My nickname was ‘Pants’ until I graduated from high school. Please help me! Signed, Pants”.
“Dear Pants, someone said we all get fifteen minutes of fame. You signed your name, ‘Pants’, so obviously you’re still famous! Don’t let it beat you down, use it! Remind people you were that 6th grader whose pants fell to his ankles and you stole the show! They’ll be jealous.”
“Dear Doctor, I have a confession to make. I still have every Christmas present I’ve received in the last forty-five years. I can’t get rid of them. Can you help? Signed, Happy Hoarder.”
“Dear Happy, you answered your own question. If you’re happy keeping every present you receive forever, just do it.”
“Dear Doctor, I’ve been keeping a secret. Uncovering it will hurt a lot of people. What should I do? Signed, SM.”
“Dear SM, it’s difficult for me to give you an answer. If keeping the secret longer will cause more pain, it’s probably best to reveal it now.”
In spite of ubiquitous stress, everyone looks forward to the holidays. Maple Valley decorations are going up. Lighted Christmas trees can be seen in homes. Christmas carols will be heard in town beginning three days before Thanksgiving.
Excitement is growing for those planning to ride the rails to Maple Valley. Since The Old General is being repaired, a diesel engine was going to pull the Christmas train this year. Instead, Maple Valley Railroad received approval to use a vintage Missouri Pacific 0-8-0 steam locomotive. Two trains each day will roll into Maple Valley beginning next Monday, continuing until New Year’s Day.
Happy Holidays everyone! Get your tickets to Maple Valley soon!
A Coffee State of Mind 